Painting heart-cries, word by word

A Little HP Introspection January 18, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — verbosevictoria @ 12:04 pm
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I am about to be nerdy. You have been warned.

So I like online quizzes because they have the same kind of immediate satisfaction as making a three-point shot into the trash can with a crumpled bit of paper. It doesn’t matter, it doesn’t signify much, but you feel disproportionately pleased over it.

I took a “Which Harry Potter Character Are You?” quiz and I decided to read wayyy too far into the results.

My first result was Albus Dumbledore: “Not only are you incredibly intelligent, but you’re also really good at dishing out sage advice. You have a bit of an ambitious dark side, but ultimately you’re all about the power of love.”

I decided to take it again with using all my secondary answers. This time, I got Luna Lovegood: “You’re definitely a quirky free spirit, but you’re also surprisingly perceptive. You don’t care too much what people think you, though you really value the people who accept you for exactly who you are. The world would be a lot less interesting without you in it.”

I did it one last time, and this time I changed to whatever I may secretly WANT to do, but would never really choose. And I got Draco Malfoy: “Rich, powerful, and well-bred, you can’t help it if other people don’t understand how truly awesome you are. Other people are idiots.”


I approve.

Most people would probably peg me as a Hermione, but frankly I am not that resourceful, determined, or gutsy.
I do have enough brains and curiosity that I can see the Dumbledore. I do give out a lot of advice (ha) and offer my thoughts in conversation. Ever since I was 10 or 11 I can remember friends coming to me and asking what they should do or explaining their problems. I love to help weave a thought process with someone and show them a different path.
What really clinches that first result for me is that, if I’m not careful, I can go so deep into observation mode that I foreget to interact with people. I start seeing them as specimens. I analyze them, try to discern a pattern in their choices, take their environment and family life into account, and hypothesize about their strengths, flaws, hopes, frustrations, etc. Albus and I have that tendency in common, I think.

However, I’m not brilliant. I’m sparkly, but I’m not brilliant. Luna’s perception is tinged with curiosity rather than being clinical. I think that, coupled with feeling like the giraffe in a room full of gazelles and not being terribly bothered by it, gives me a camaraderie with Luna. I also feel very strongly about my friends, something Albus wouldn’t allow himself to express. So the creativity is there as well.

And Draco? Well, I’m a fairly good conversationalist so I suppose that counts as good breeding, haha! I have always felt Draco and I share a fear of failure and a somewhat unhealthy desire to make our family proud. It can be consuming and crippling. I also like to think I was probably much more like Draco when I was in high school. Much more likely not to care what others thought because I thought they were all too busy being stupid. Much more angsty FOR SURE. Much more likely to wander off by myself to brood. I think I’ve all but outgrown Draco in my character, but it’s a part of me still. (And secretly, sometimes I really would like to show up people I disagree with. It’s a very smug attitude. I try not to let it linger. 😉 )

So, I think these three results are a good cross-section of the Harry Potter version of myself. And now that I’ve determined that, the rest of my day can continue on. 😛


What Numbers Do For Words (also, happy blog-iversary to me) January 14, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — verbosevictoria @ 9:26 am
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Apparently I’ve been blogging here two years now. Two years. That is simultaneously longer than I thought and a very short period of time.

Numbers are not my language, but they do hold a certain fascination when you quantify your memories and experiences in those terms. It’s straight-forward, untheatrical, unassailable. You can’t argue with naked facts.

I’ve been online since I was 15 years old, which is when home computers and dial-up internet really started to get popular. That’s 13 years online.

After a year or two obsessing over AIM (Aol Instant Messenger, in case you didn’t know) I spent 3 years on a Christian message board on, learning to be an apologist for my faith. The “Christian” board had an equal number of agnostics, atheists, Wiccans, and multiple denomations of the Christian church. Discussions were lively and I loved it.

For 7 or 8 years I blogged on Those were my “golden years” I guess. My blog was popular enough on the site, I had plenty of followers, the community was unbeatable, my blogs were varied and interesting. I poured my heart out during my first years being married, my first child, the first real tragedies of my life, the first real triumphs. And people responded.

Now, for the last couple years, I’ve somewhat sporadically blogged on WordPress. I came here so I could blog without being totally absorbed. The community here has not… Well, it isn’t the same. But that’s why I’m here. I wanted a place to shout into the dark and hear my own echo.

I’ve not given myself much credit for these last 13 years of words. I don’t seem to think of it as writing. It’s been a little too easy for me. But I guess maybe that was my education in self-expression. I didn’t get much in the way of craft, but I’ve been mining my own brain and heart for material on a pretty consistent basis for over a decade. I guess I can value that, looking back. I learned what gains a response, I learned how to spark controversy, I learned how to navigate conversations of opposing views, I learned how to have fun with these words–playing with them, batting them around, mixing them up, tearing them apart. I found out people heard what I had to say and found something resonating there. I found that I have a sweet spot when I’m writing and I can feel it happening, that moment when what I wanted to express actually comes out of me in exactly the way I was hoping it would.

As much as I get intimidated by numbers as a language I’ve never comprehended, I find it does lead me to considering the naked facts in a way I hadn’t, and I find out something new. Like all this “wasted time” wasn’t really wasted. It was all an investment.

I’ve been investing in my own imagination. I can live with that.