Painting heart-cries, word by word

In the Light of Dawn January 25, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — verbosevictoria @ 10:06 am
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A year or two ago, I found myself grabbing for my camera nearly every morning to capture the grand entrance of sun across sky. It seemed every one was breathtaking in a new way and I wanted so much to remember the crescendo of each new day. I wanted to remember how it made me feel, how my spirit trembled to see such vitality spreading overhead. I wanted to feel the fierce, insistent call to live–to feel it again and again, to share it with others, to thrill to the beating of my own heart every time I looked at the photograph of the sunrise.

But it didn’t work.

It never worked. The photographs turned into flat reminders of something that has happened every single day of this world’s existence. They were still lovely, but they had none of the immediacy of a real sunrise. At first, I was disappointed. I felt let down, bereft of something precious, inadequate to hold such beauty.

Then I woke the next morning and just watched the sun coming up behind the tree-lined horizon. I didn’t reach for my camera or my notebook. I didn’t try to keep it. I let it wash over me, fully in the moment, enjoying the passion God placed in His created light as it billowed over clouds, brought out the colors in the fields around me, touching the tips of houses, waking my neighbors and fellow sojourners on this spinning sphere of water and earth.

That moment taught me the joy of open hands. Rather than grasping after what was never mine to hold, the real joy lies in each moment lived. I saw the dawn for what it truly was–the new miracle of Today, given in love by my Father-King, flaming with His passion and purpose. It is His design of things that quickens my spirit each new day. It is His glory spreading over me that calls me up to live a life worthy of such wild, untamed, unfettered creativity.

I don’t take pictures of the sunrise anymore. I stand in those moments, and I let God hear my heart. I couldn’t tell you what my heart sings to Creator-God. Words are not able to capture what He and I say.
The sun and sky are free, and when my hands are open to the warmth of a new day, so am I.


Mom Blurb January 16, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — verbosevictoria @ 2:39 pm

I am 36 weeks pregnant with our 5th child and I am loving it. Last night my midwife came over to discuss the birth of our newest in a few weeks. She brought the doppler for hearing the heartbeat and all my children clambered up onto my bed to listen. Each face was so eager, each set of eyes lit up with interest, and each mouth smiling in appreciation of the amazing person inside my womb. In that moment, the blessing my children are swelled in my heart and gratitude mixed with wonder washed over me.

I have moments like that. Sometimes for one child in particular, sometimes for all of them together.

Today, however…

Today is not one of those days. This is a day when I wish I could take a break from whiny voices, petty fights, and a black hole of neediness constantly pulling at me. I love them. But I want some breathing room.
I tell myself it’s just that my nerves are worn and I’m irritable from pregnancy hormones or dehydration or something. I tell myself it’s just an off day, to just shrug it off, to just keep hold of perspective. I can tell myself the truth until I’m blue in the face, but I’m still nearly frantic with the need for PEACE in my home. It’s not emanating from me.

This is a problem.

So what do we do? What do I do when I am not at peace?
…I’ll try to let you know when I’ve figured it out.


Feeling Alive vs. Feeling Comfortable January 3, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — verbosevictoria @ 2:55 pm
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Amazing how feeling alive, full of energy, and ready to tackle whatever the day may bring does NOT coincide with feeling comfortable, sleepy, and pampered. Even more amazing how I try to match them, regardless of the evidence that Vigor and Complacence are incompatible.

Some of the things I do inspire me to be courageous. Some of the things I do inspire me to take up couch potato as a profession. I thought it might be good to take a look at those things. I want to pay attention to my choices this month. Awareness is half the battle towards lasting change and I have been running blind for awhile.

I Feel Alive When…

  • I consciously exercise and stretch
  • I wake up before anyone else in the house
  • I spend time with my kids being creative or productive or silly
  • I read my Bible with an alert spirit and mind
  • I blog, write stories, or otherwise create with words
  • I craft, design, or even just doodle all over something
  • I share an idea or new perspective with people who really needed it, and who then share it with others
  • I spend any amount of time outside (unless it’s sleeting), especially if I can leisurely walk, journal, and be alone
  • I spend time alone outside my house doing something rejuvenating (NOT grocery shopping)
  • I go to the library, especially if I am alone for a few hours
  • I eat one serving or a healthy snack
  • I drink plenty of water and take my vitamins (seriously, it makes a difference)
  • I take time to shower or sit in the bath
  • I take time to look nice, whether I “have to” or not
  • I do something for my husband that HE will appreciate
  • I SEE my house and embrace the work to be done by doing a little at a time
  • I help my children see the work to be done and coach them through doing it a little at a time
  • I catch a “teachable moment” with my kids, whether academic, spiritual, or physical
  • I spend quality time with the people I love, especially if some of that time is spent laughing!
  • I engage in any kind of community–geographic, online, mom’s group, etc
  • I make realistic plans and goals by writing them out

I Feel Comfortable When…

  • I stay in my pajamas all day
  • I sit on the couch and watch movies
  • I sit anywhere and surf the internet
  • I do things on Facebook for over an hour (same for pinterest, youtube, etc)
  • I eat what I want, when I want, as much as I want
  • I stay up late
  • I sleep in (doesn’t work, but if I could…)
  • I wait for people to call me instead of calling them
  • I think about things instead of doing them
  • I analyze myself instead of thinking about others
  • I accomplish something in what I think is my own strength instead of recognizing God’s work in me (hellooooo, Pride)
  • I paralyze my efforts by listening to the negative voice in my head that hates me (not exactly COMFORTABLE, but it is a place I’m unfortunately used to and so it is at least familiar)
  • I ignore the work to be done in favor of…anything else, anything at all
  • My kids leave me alone and occupy themselves
  • My husband leaves me alone and doesn’t ask me for anything to eat
  • My husband makes all the first moves so I feel showered in attention instead of making the first move on him
  • I don’t try, don’t succeed, don’t fail, just lay there like a slug
  • Someone else makes me food

Okay, not EVERYTHING on my comfortable list is inherently bad. It’s my motivation that makes those things stink so often. Many times I choose “me time” in uninspiring ways so I can feel satiated for the moment instead of invigorated for serving my God and my family.

So, when I choose to do something on my comfortable list (excepting times of sickness or recovery), I am really choosing NOT to live life with passion. I am really choosing to ignore everything except my infantile instincts of selfishness.

What I’m saying is I choose to be a big baby. And what am I really? A warrior princess, a Lucy standing with her Aslan, a Proverbs 31 woman of courage, a champion of the truth, a legacy-maker, an eternal being filled with the very Spirit who moved the universe into being. No time for regression! Hope is too compelling.