verbosevictoria

Painting heart-cries, word by word

I’m Lost. September 11, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — verbosevictoria @ 8:36 am

I have felt this way many times but I’m not sure if that is normal, and if it is, I’m not sure it should be.

I’m lost.

Getting specific may lead me to obsess, so I’ll keep it general. There are times when responsibility feels lonely and scary to me. In fact, I think it usually does but I’ve learned to keep that sensation buried pretty deep in most areas. When it’s my job to “figure it out,” I panic inside. I can ask for help but then I either feel inadequate for not coming up with things on my own or I feel overwhelmed by someone else’s idea of how to live my life.

I am pretty desperate for some answers to some practical questions and I have this suspicion that none of them have definitive answers. I strongly suspect they will not be answered quickly either. And this overwhelms me. Panic again!

This is about the time that I look to God with an anguished expression and ask, “Are You really sure I was made to do THIS? Because I feel like a toad in the skin of a cheetah.”

Where is my aptitude? Where is my vision? And WHERE, oh WHERE, is my indescribable peace and perseverance?

…I hate crying and I totally just made myself cry. Oh bother.