Painting heart-cries, word by word

Freewrite [3] May 14, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — verbosevictoria @ 1:34 am

The problem with not journaling regularly is when I sit down to finally log some thoughts, I have too many to choose from. Then the task of recording everything worth writing seems too gargantuan and I give up, not writing anything for the 79th day in a row. I’ve tried to NaNoWriMo twice now and never made it to a single word count. Not.One.Word. But then, that’s the trouble with me. I’m afraid of mountains. In a paradoxical turn of events, I’ve always wanted to clamber up a literal mountain. I want to see that breathtaking view and take in the grandeur of the peaks and the sun and clouds. Yet if I consider anything in my life to represent a figurative mountain, I cringe and shrink into the shadows.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter because here I am, writing. I’m writing.

I am exhausted emotionally. I had some moments of fierce joy and quiet peace, some gratitude and silliness. But I also encountered some long-standing nagging doubts and the uneasy conviction that I’m avoiding grief again. Which usually ends up with me crashing explosively in some way and realizing, as I pick up the rubble, that I was hiding some molten grief beneath the surface of my life.

Three years, May 17th, 2009.

I haven’t visited the gravesite of my dad since we buried him. Not once. And I’m not even sure why. I don’t feel scared to go or intimidated. I can sense I’m avoiding it but I’m not sure what the reason is. Maybe I’m just sick of crying, of getting emotional. Maybe I don’t like the idea of inviting that mess into myself. Or would it be exposure?

I miss writing. The three days without any of my kids I was amazed how inspiring EVERYTHING was. I had the ability to observe on a level that rarely happens these days. I saw shapes in the clouds for the first time in a long while. I imagined silly things like cloud sprites and absurd plots about the people in the cars around me. And I was a little frightened at the difference to my mind, having the time to think and to observe without constant checklists going on. Is there any way to discipline my mind to capture that inspiration again? Is there any way for me to turn off the checklists for shorter periods of time? I hope so… I doubt I’ll have three days in a row without children again anytime soon. That was sort of a one-hit wonder.

I just deleted that last paragraph. It was complaining, nothing but whiny pouting. Alright. Done.


2 Responses to “Freewrite [3]”

  1. Myxl Dove Says:

    I miss your writing. Seriously. I do. It’s always so genuine and honest. Your written voice is so clear it’s as if I’m in the room and you are simply talking to me. Maybe it’s because I know you and I already know what you sound like. Maybe it’s different for people who don’t. All I know is that I don’t get the chance to read honesty very often. Most blogs are catering to a particular audience… they try to be funny and famous.. flirty men or women who are just anonymous enough to imply something more tantalizing than the reality they inhabit… perhaps they strive to be ruminative counselors, or quirky guy/girl next door types who take every opportunity to point out their awkward but cute characteristics. Anyway, you get the picture.

    I totally know why you don’t write more. But… I miss it still. 🙂

    I didn’t realize it had been 3 years already. Nevertheless, I don’t think there’s an expiration date on grief. Maybe it’s easier to take it in smaller measured doses. Especially since life is unforgiving in its reluctance to pause long enough to allow us to ever focus on or fully process one thing before moving on to the next.

    All that to say, I’m praying for you Sis. Happy Mother’s Day to you. Oh, and write more… if you can. 😉

    • Ah, Riis… I inhale your encouragement. 🙂 I’ve been in a jotting phase. I have tiny blurbs of things written down in about five different notebooks, not to mention scrap pieces of paper collecting under my bed. While I find the progress to be unspeakably small, I am investing in a future explosion of writing.
      But I would like to update WordPress a little more. I’ve moved from the public blogging to more private blogging. I just want to try things out right now. I don’t want twenty comments that say “lol” or “wow that’s great”. If I get any comments at all, I want them from people like you, who know my heart and see my intentions. I really appreciate your thoughts, my brother.

      Yes, it’s been three years. It feels like a long time and no time at all. I’m beginning to realize that’s kind of the feeling I’ll have for the rest of my life regarding every area, ha. Life is one big paradox of time for us. :p 🙂 I’m…I feel more lost this time than in years past. I don’t have a tradition to lean on and the grief isn’t so tumultuous now… I don’t quite know what to do. I know what I want to do but I can’t seem to make it happen logistically. It’s weird.
      But thanks for thinkin’ of me 🙂 And I will try to collect some of those jots into one place on occasion.

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